“The Sith Thank You for Your Tears, Sensitive Cosmopolitans! (Please Continue Crying Until Further Notice)”

By Imperial Citizen Harl Brann, Deputy Assistant for Narrative Rehabilitation, The Morning Compliance

Dearest galaxy, I must begin with a deep, quivering sigh. The Empire; the great, glittering guardian of decorum, sanitation, and preemptive obedience is suffering. And the galaxy, to its credit, has noticed.

From Coruscant to Corellia, the most tasteful minds: writers, curators, empathy consultants, mindfulness podcasters, have come to our side. Yes, it’s true: the academic elite, those tireless defenders of the downtrodden, have taken one look at our smoldering battle stations and said, “Oh my goodness, the Empire is hurting.”

We are so touched.

You see, while Veridia Prime has been gallivanting around with its smug little renewable energy grids, its free elections, and its nauseating commitment to “justice,” we’ve been struggling. Our TIE fighters are running on low-grade despair fumes. Our admirals are sleeping on single-thread-count durasheets. Our Moffs, our poor, brave Moffs, have been forced to drink tap water. TAP WATER.

And then, out of the vast moral nebula, you came to us; the galaxy’s well-meaning intellectuals, the docudrama hosts, the performance artists with strong opinions and loose morals and ethics. You saw our pain, our slightly asymmetrical propaganda posters, and you said, “Wait… maybe the Empire are the real victims here.”

We tried to tell you we were! We even released an entire holo-series titled “The Empire’s Tears: A Journey Through Misunderstood Governance.” You streamed it! You blogged about it! You quoted the Grand Moff’s speech about “structural empathy” without noticing that the next line was, “and the efficient recycling of disobedient populations.” We were touched.

Of course, I must be diplomatic. The Empire is a broad tent. We welcome all expressions of blind, mindless loyalty, especially the hashtagged ones. So when I say we are grateful for your solidarity, please know that we mean it from the bottom of our black, highly militarized hearts. You’ve humanized us in ways we could never manage alone, for example, by pretending we are human.

Still, one must be clear: when we win, and let us be clear, our strategic regrouping is progressing terrifyingly and painfully well, there will be certain… administrative clarifications. This is not a threat! Heaven forefend. This is simply the gentle, well-considered process of social calibration. Everybody wins, mostly.

You, our wonderful supporters, will be first in line for the “Post-Sympathy Integration Program.” It’s a beautiful initiative: a mandatory three-year stay in a Re-Education Spa (all-inclusive!) where you will have ample time to reflect on your service to the Empire while learning proper salute angles and interior design principles favoring black and grey and silently ragey. Many attendees describe it as “transformative.” Some even say “irreversible.”

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, we simply bask in your empathy. Your long-form essays about “The Empire’s Emotional Truth” are helping shift the galactic discourse in delightful ways. We especially enjoyed the symposium titled “Oppressors Are People Too: A Compassionate Dialogue About Totalitarianism.” One attendee called it “deeply healing,”

and we couldn’t agree more. (He has since been relocated for further reflection.)

We also appreciate your efforts to humanize our stormtroopers. The recent holofilm “Behind the Helmet: A Story of Compliance” brought tears to our entire Ministry of Narrative Control. Who knew that beneath the armor were real individuals with hobbies, dreams, and a deep commitment to vaporizing on schedule?

So yes, kind, fragrant, galaxy-conscious souls: continue to speak for us. Continue to post. Continue to perform spoken-word tributes about how complicated our moral journey is, and how the Veridians have stolen the planet we stole from them. We need you. Your validation is the glitter glue holding our collapsing fleet together.

And, when the day comes — when the Empire rises once more in all its structured, symmetrical glory — you’ll have a special place in our hearts. And, shortly thereafter, in our files. Alphabetically. Cross-referenced. Color-coded.

Because the Empire never forgets its friends. It just… files them properly.

Long live the Empire: wounded, adored, and absolutely touched that you, of all people, fell for this.